oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I will pee on everything he values.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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