I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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