I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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