You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
