I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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