i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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