If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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