i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
