So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
