I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
