Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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