i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
