I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize