Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
dude. I can hear the air.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
