Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
