I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I need a burrito and a hug.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
