My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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