Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
