: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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