Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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