im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
