Nicole vs. Life
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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