and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
