You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
