I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
