I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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