I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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