woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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