i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
