Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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