I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
