God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
