I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
