this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
