took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My pussy is not your playground.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
