At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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