His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
