That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
