so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
