If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
