hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
