I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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