I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
