remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
