You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
