I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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