you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
