I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
