I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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