How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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