trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
