Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
