just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
