I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
