Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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