Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
