I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
