New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
