i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
